january. 18. 2017
Trust & manifest.
a duo that made my dreams come true
Wow. My last post here was a year and a half ago. I wasn’t kidding when I said I would be entering a time of inner development. At the time I thought journaling would help with the process but I actually ended up needing time away from all types of output. When we last spoke I was mentioning how I was aligning with the red moon, which usually marks a time in a wombyn’s life where they are nurturing their intuition and spirituality. This was not only very true for me but it also came at the perfect time. I had a lot of healing I needed to do in preparation for the journey I knew I was going to take in 2016. I needed to learn to know my body, my heart, and my self well if I was going to stay confident through my journey. What I didn’t mention in my post was that though I was entering a red moon cycle at that point in life, I wanted to be entering a white moon cycle by August of the next year. A white moon cycle, unlike a red moon cycle is known to mark a time when a wombyn is most fertile and/or most ready to care for another. I for some reason had a hunch that August 2016 was the best time for me to conceive my first child so I trusted that gut feeling and manifested that by the time August 2016 came around I would be ovulating at the Full moon and I would get inseminated on that day. The year leading up to that August was definitely not smooth sailing, I carried a lot of stress, hurt and anger which always affected my cycle but I was determined to stay true to myself and my intuition even when times were tough. I stopped compromising for the love of others, which was very difficult for me and I had to let go of people in my life, who I still miss terribly but I knew loving them was taking away from the love I needed for the little one I was hoping for. As July approached, it seemed like there was no way my body would sync would the full moon and I was started to doubt whether or not this feeling I had so many months earlier was in any way accurate but I kept faith. In August, I saw my doctor to start preparing for my insemination which in my case only meant monitoring my ovulation because my fertility levels were high and I didn’t want to take any drugs or hormones. I would go in to the clinic every couple of days to see how big my follicles were and it seemed as though they were growing at a rate that would mean my ovulation would happen long after the full moon. The day of the full moon however I woke up and felt ready, my body was giving me the signs that it was time and when I went into the clinic, my doctor was shocked to see that my follicles had doubled in size in two days and that I was indeed ovulating that day WITH THE FULL MOON. Even though I knew/felt for months now that the full moon of August 2016 was my day I couldn’t really believe that it was all happening. I got inseminated that day and two weeks later I was able to confirm that I was pregnant. Crazy right? I’m still in awe that it is all happening. I am in awe that I trusted myself and the universe even on the lowest of days and I am in awe that I was able to prepare and manifest in a way that helped me be ready when the time came around. I feel so blessed and grateful. I feel so honoured and humbled. But I’m not gonna lie, sometimes I also feel intimated and scared by this strength that I am learning is inside me. Sometimes it feels too much and I don’t want to own it. Or at least I don’t want people to know that I have it cause they might judge it, desire it, think i’m unworthy of it or maybe even take it away from me. I’m working on those feelings though.. identifying them and naming them in order to break free from them. I don’t want to lose my humility with this pregnancy or with motherhood because humility is a big part of who I am and how I remain a youthful student of the world but I also want to learn to own who I am and my growth. It’s an interesting balance… similar to learning how to trust & manifest.
September. 1. 2015
finding peace in the act and practice of believing
Recently I’ve been feeling like I desperately need to ground myself in belief. I’m not quite sure what that belief is and if it even has to be defined but I know that the act and practice of believing is what I need in order to be at one with myself right now. I have lost touch with my essence over.. the past decade really… but think that this disconnection was necessary for me to learn important lessons, accumulate memories and experiences, and to understand the value of myself. Now it’s time to journey back to my core, fall back into the rhythm with my ancestors, and walk into my purpose. This is an unmapped journey that i’ll have to figure out along the way and though I don’t have direct access to my ancestral memory due to colonial scattering I can still rely on the universe to guide me. As a woman (and a serious sailor moon fan), I’ve always felt a particular connection with Mama Moon and recently she been calling me to believe in her and her powers. This month for the first time in a while my body cycle started in sync with the full moon which is known a red moon cycle that enhances inner expression, intuition and the development of the inner, spiritual life — all the things I need right now. I feel honoured that mama moon has decided to take me under her wing for this cycle and I look forward to grounding myself in the lunar cycle.
With secret powers, all so new to her! She is the one named… MF Gold
August. 31. 2015
noun \ˈblüm\ : to mature into achievement of one’s potential
I know I’m not alone in this but I often feel deep anxiety and fear about reaching my potential. Somedays I look into my past and see the legacy of my parents & ancestors and feel so deeply overwhelmed by the load they carried and the greatness they achieved. Other days I look at spectacular initiatives of people around and feel a pinch of jealously and frustration cause I haven’t gotten my act together as they have. And on the worst days I look towards my future and think I won’t ever be able to reach my goals so what’s the point, what does it matter anyway no one cares. Once I get in that mode it’s all down hill, I’m stuck in rut of anxiety and fear which quickly turns into laziness, lack of focus and apathy which takes months to get out of. I’ve been repeating this cycle for far too long now and I’m tired of barely grazing my potential. Don’t get me wrong I do see the beauty and depth in what I have managed to cultivate over the years but I also know there is a huge scope of my potential that I haven’t managed to explore because of self-sabotage and this year I want to address this roadblock and believe in myself long enough to truly bloom. I know the journey won’t be easy (battling yourself never is) but at the end of the day I believe that my unique gift is worth it and I know that channeling this gift will bring me greater peace & joy than I can imagine.
I would say that tonight I am starting this journey towards my bloom but I have been journeying for many years now and I don’t want to discount the path I’ve paved so far, so tonight I am not starting a new journey but rather taking a moment to unravel what I know of myself thus far and discard any weight that has been holding me back as I aim to walk in my purpose daily.
p.s: Thank you the many souls in my life who are strong examples of living life with intent and purpose. I admire you so.